Monday, July 4, 2016

Clever Things to Do When You’re Bored

All those people who make up holidays like Christmas, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentine’s Day and New Years are folks who have lives. I mean, they got the REAL thing complete with a spouse, 2.3 kids, a dog named Joey and a cat named Mr. Farts. They’ve got 30 year mortgages on a piece of the American Dream....

Look, just up ahead, it’s a 3/2/2 on a quarter-acre lot in a track housing developing located in Middle Suburbia. The kids all wear striped cotton tee-shirts and the dads all wear white dress shirts to work. Of course, mom drives a mini-van so she can take sis to ballet on Tuesdays and little Johnnie to baseball practice on Thursday nights. 

When you see families like these, and you DO see them very often these days, you wonder how they got that way. Holy Crap! How does anyone work on the same job for 22 years? How is it that mom NEVER gripes about taking people all over the place for various school-related activities? How is it the kids always have the right friends and the neighbor is a great guy?

How come your spouse didn’t cheat on you 4 years ago? Why didn’t your kids get in trouble all through high school? Cause mine sure as hell did! How come your boss likes you so much? I was a much better employee than you and they fired my ass after I’d only been there 14 months! I’m still pissed about that!

I wanna know what lonely people with no family are supposed to do on holidays? Why haven’t we all signed up to go somewhere and do something Splendackerous together on the holidays? Even if we just sit around my place and play board games while we finish off a fifth of Scotch, a quart of Rum and 2 bottles of tequila, we’d still have more fun together.


We could make nachos with lots of gooey cheese, then get shit-faced and say stupid things that only one of us will remember the next day. I’ll let you guess which one. We could sit outside and watch the moon rise and tell scary stories about that time we got lost in the woods for 2 hours and were sure some guy was chasing us but it only turned out to be a rabbit who was even more scared than you were. Poor devil!

Somewhere around 4 in the morning, we’ll get hungry, then have a lengthy discussion about which one of us is sober enough to drive. No one will win, but we’ll finally choose YOU because you have always seemed to be the most level-headed one of us. Everyone agrees on that. We get in the car, roll down the windows. It’s a cool summer evening…temperature’s about 85 degrees. There’s a slight breeze.


We hold our heads out the car windows and make weird sounds that penetrate the wind. After a few minutes, we put our heads back in the car, then point and laugh at each other. Everyone looks frightful. We have wadded up pieces of hair going in unnatural directions.

Okay, I’ll put it like this…if we don’t do this stuff I’m talking about, we’re all going to spend thousands more days sitting in our homes, watching Netflix and eating snacks. We’re going to miss out on so much of LIFE!!! We won’t laugh as much. We won’t learn as much. We’ll get dried up in places that matter. Pretty soon, we’ll find ourselves actually listening to the commercial about the new Sears Lawn Mower and then we’ll go get one and spend our free time mowing from then on.

Activities like these signify that you may be closer to the end of your life than you think!! What you need is a big ole dose of Modern Technology. It now comes in 3 delicious flavors: orange, strawberry and peach. Pick up 2 this week and we’ll give you 25% off! Yes, it’s true…and this is our biggest sale of the year. Prices will never be this low again!

Speaking of technology, I like much of the new technology but some of it is kind of weird. For instance, if all I've got to do is take pics of the inside of my frig and washing machine, then just take me out back and shoot me! Who cares what's inside your frig?

Let's see if I can get a little clairvoyant here...I'm seeing a jug of milk…hmmm...some butter, some eggs, a jar of mustard, a bottle of ketchup...Ah-Oh! Do I see some beers? Get to church and repent, sinner!!! And of course, the obligatory jug of water. Does water go bad?

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