All those people who make up holidays like Christmas, Labor
Day, Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentine’s Day and New Years are folks who have
lives. I mean, they got the REAL thing complete with a spouse, 2.3 kids, a dog named
Joey and a cat named Mr. Farts. They’ve got 30-year mortgages on a piece of the
American Dream....
Look, just up ahead, it’s a 3/2/2 on a quarter-acre lot in a
track housing development located in Middle Suburbia. The kids all wear striped
cotton tee-shirts and the dads all wear white dress shirts to work. Of course,
mom drives a mini-van so she can take sis to ballet on Tuesdays and little
Johnnie to baseball practice on Thursday nights.
When you see families like these, and you DO see them very
often these days, you wonder how they got that way. Holy Crap! How does anyone
work on the same job for 22 years? How is it that mom NEVER gripes about taking
people all over the place for various school-related activities? How is it the
kids always have the right friends and the neighbor is a great guy?
How come your spouse didn’t cheat on you 4 years ago? Why
didn’t your kids get in trouble all through high school? Cause mine sure as
hell did! How come your boss likes you so much? I was a much better employee
than you and they fired my ass after I’d only been there 14 months! I’m still
pissed about that!
I wanna know what lonely people with no family are supposed
to do on holidays? Why haven’t we all signed up to go somewhere and do
something Splendackerous together on the holidays? Even if we just sit around
my place and play board games while we finish off a fifth of Scotch, a quart of
Rum and 2 bottles of tequila, we’d still have more fun together.
We could make nachos with lots of gooey cheese, then get
shit-faced and say stupid things that only one of us will remember the next
day. I’ll let you guess which one. We could sit outside and watch the moon rise
and tell scary stories about that time we got lost in the woods for 2 hours and
were sure some guy was chasing us but it only turned out to be a rabbit who was
even more scared than you were. Poor devil!
Somewhere around 4 in the morning, we’ll get hungry, then
have a lengthy discussion about which one of us is sober enough to drive. No one
will win, but we’ll finally choose YOU because you have always seemed to be the
most level-headed one of us. Everyone agrees on that. We get in the car, roll
down the windows. It’s a cool summer evening…temperature’s about 85 degrees.
There’s a slight breeze.
We hold our heads out the car windows and make weird sounds
that penetrate the wind. After a few minutes, we put our heads back in the car,
then point and laugh at each other. Everyone looks frightful. We have wadded-up pieces of hair going in unnatural directions.
Okay, I’ll put it like this…if we don’t do this stuff I’m
talking about, we’re all going to spend thousands more days sitting in our
homes, watching Netflix and eating snacks. We’re going to miss out on so much
of LIFE!!!
We won’t laugh as much. We won’t learn as much. We’ll get dried up
in places that matter. Pretty soon, we’ll find ourselves actually listening to
the commercial about the new Sears Lawn Mower and then we’ll go get one and
spend our free time mowing from then on.
Activities like these signify that you may be closer to the
end of your life than you think!! What you need is a big ole dose of Modern
Technology. It now comes in 3 delicious flavors: orange, strawberry and peach.
Pick up 2 this week and we’ll give you 25% off! Yes, it’s true…and this is our
biggest sale of the year. Prices will never be this low again!
Speaking of technology, I like much of the new technology
but some of it is kind of weird. For instance, if the only thing I have left to do is take
pics of the inside of my frig and my plates of food, then just take me out back
and shoot me! Who cares what's inside your frig?
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